Giving yourself to your partner again and again, without desire or pleasure: more and more patients describe this kind of joyless sex in therapy sessions, a phenomenon that a growing number of sexologists have been calling “sexual burnout” since 2022. Alexandra de Troz, clinical psychologist and sexologist, and Moïra Mikolajczak, Professor at UCLouvain, take stock of this phenomenon, not yet studied scientifically, but very real in consulting rooms, and of the doctoral thesis that has just been launched to better understand it.
Let’s be clear from the outset: while more and more sexologists have used the term “sexual burnout” since 2022 to describe the suffering experienced by part of their clientele, the subject has not yet been the object of scientific study. This is why Alexandra de Troz, author of the book “Le burnout sexuel” (2025), written from her clinical observations, has just begun a doctoral thesis on the topic, supervised by Moïra Mikolajczak (UCLouvain) and Maria Elena Brianda (ULiège). This thesis will notably examine whether the term “sexual burnout” best describes the suffering experienced by patients who repeatedly give themselves without desire or pleasure. Whatever name ultimately proves most fitting, the suffering caused by a sex life devoid of desire and pleasure is very real.
How does joyless sex take hold in a couple?
Often active at the start of a relationship, a couple’s sex life tends to slow down over time, making room for a bond built more on attachment and tenderness. Some couples, however, want their sex life to remain inexhaustible, placing it front and center at the expense of other activities that nourish and sustain their closeness. When these couples use sex as a process of psychological repair, a matter of the relationship’s survival, a repeated proof of attachment, an attempt at emotional regulation, or a way of affirming their identity, they risk a decline in the quality of their intimate life and the onset of sexual burnout.
When a gap opens up between partners’ sexual expectations, one partner may agree to sex to please the other, out of fear of no longer being loved or of seeming unlovable, or out of guilt or shame. Submitting to a partner’s desire can generate stress and bring on symptoms similar to those seen in burnout professionnel ou parental.
Symptoms of sexual burnout
- Physical exhaustion: marked by an absence of pleasure, a significant drop in sexual desire, sometimes accompanied by vaginismus (in women), pain or discomfort, and anorgasmia, which can go as far as disgust toward any sexual activity.
- Emotional exhaustion: expressed through feelings of guilt, powerlessness, shame, fear, and anxiety.
- Emotional distancing: from the partner, along with a disinvestment from closeness and tenderness as a way to avoid sex and protect oneself.
Warning: not every drop in desire is sexual burnout
A temporary decrease in sexual activity is not automatically linked to sexual exhaustion. It is entirely normal to experience a temporary dip in desire due to illness, hormonal changes, urological or gynecological infections/inflammations, or fatigue and stress linked to work deadlines, family demands, or other life events. “Sexual burnout,” by contrast, would be a progressive and lasting process of disengagement from sexual and intimate relationships, stemming from consent given repeatedly over time without desire or pleasure.
The role of sexual myths and society
Subject to unrealistic expectations, many couples treat sex as a given, something necessary to the stability of the bond. In other words, staying sexually active is seen as a guarantee of each partner’s place in the relationship. According to the philosopher of reciprocity Martin Buber (1923), our existence depends on our relation to the other: without the other, we do not exist. If the sense of existing is tied to how deeply a person engages with a system they wish to belong to, then it’s likely that an insecure sense of belonging pushes some people to overinvest in the bond through tangible proofs of love, such as accepting sex without desire or pleasure.
While consent given without desire is not in itself immoral, and can be seen as a gift, the harm to a couple’s sexual health emerges when this practice is repeated over time. Sexual burnout could be understood as a form of exhaustion from self-giving, pushed to the point of self-denial to protect the relationship, out of love for one’s partner.
Reweaving the bond: redefining the place of sex in the couple
Like other forms of burnout, “sexual burnout” can be a valuable opportunity to realize that we have gone too far in depleting the resources available to protect or invest in the relationship, and that we have neglected to protect ourselves. This realization invites us to rethink the overestimated place given to high-performing, pleasurable sex, wrongly seen as an essential guarantee of relationship stability and love.
To reweave the bond, couples can question and redefine the place of sex in their relationship, coming to see it as the fruit of a renewed connection rather than an acquired, inexhaustible resource.
Go further
Want to explore the topic further? Alexandra de Troz’s book, « Le burn-out sexuel. Du désir épuisé au lien retissé », goes into detail on this process and on ways to reweave the bond within a couple.
Are you a psychologist, doctor, or mental health professional supporting parents in distress? Discover our training program “Parental Burnout: Diagnostic and Treatment” to acquire the diagnostic and therapeutic tools needed for optimal support.
Reference
de Troz, A. (2025). Le burn-out sexuel. Du désir épuisé au lien retissé. Paris : L’Harmattan.
By Alexandra de Troz, Psychologue clinicienne et sexologue, et Moïra Mikolajczak, Dr en psychologie et Professeure à l'UCLouvain
