Parents… Children… All different!

Let’s avoid thinking that there’s a right way to raise children, and that we should necessarily follow it or else we’ll be bad parents.

When we go to a restaurant, we find several starters and various main courses on the menu. It would never occur to (almost) any restaurateur to offer just one choice of starter and one choice of main course. And there’s an obvious reason for this: customers are different, and therefore have different needs and desires!

Why should parenting be any different? Why do we want to believe that there’s only one “right” way to raise a child? That there’s one recipe that works every time? Even the best recipe in the world doesn’t suit every palate, and the same goes for children.

Children are different, their needs are different. Some need constant reminders of the framework, others do not. Some need lots of cuddles, others not. Some need a lot of kindness, others a lot of firmness.
Parents with several children regularly experience this: what worked well with the eldest child doesn’t necessarily work — or even work at all — with the youngest.

In reality, there’s no recipe that will guarantee a child’s development every time. And for good reason: firstly, there’s no single parenting practice that’s right for every child. And that’s logical, since children differ in their temperament and the needs that stem from it. Secondly, a given practice may not have the desired effects (positive or negative) because other factors are at play… we forget that we don’t have full control over children’s behavior. In reality, parenting practices only explain part of a child’s development….! Many other factors (genes, peers, teachers, grandparents, neighbors, etc.) will also influence a child’s development.

Let’s avoid thinking that there’s a right way to raise children, and that we should necessarily follow it or else we’ll be bad parents. Let’s avoid thinking that if our child has difficulties (academic, emotional, behavioral), it’s largely our fault. Sometimes this is true, but often it’s not. As parents, we don’t control everything… and that’s just as well… because it also allows our children to make their own way, to be different from what we had imagined or planned for them… to become unique, singular beings, who will test us but also enrich us with their differences…