Difficult children

Difficult children are very rarely the result of a single factor! Education doesn’t explain everything!

Who are the difficult children?

Tom accompanies his mother to the supermarket. When she refuses to buy him a packet of cakes, Tom insists again and again, then gets angry and finally throws a tantrum by throwing himself on the ground between two shelves. Customers stare at the child… and at his mother, helpless and overwhelmed.

Lisa plays with her sister in the living room while their father prepares the evening meal. An argument breaks out between the two children, and suddenly Lisa violently pushes her sister, who falls backwards and hurts herself. Lisa refuses to apologize; she seems oblivious to her sister’s cries and her father’s admonitions, as if oblivious to the scene that has just taken place.

Tom and Lisa are often referred to as difficult children. Their parents wonder what they have done, or not done (well), to make their child behave this way. These parents feel they’ve tried everything: calmly explaining, shouting, punishing, even letting things slide without paying too much attention… Nothing seems to work. And the parents are running out of ideas! The difficult behaviors continue, remain frequent and invade the family’s daily routine. Some days, Tom’s and Lisa’s parents are at their wits’ end, ready to crack.

Their close friends complain that they have to put up with their child’s intolerable behavior. The grandparents think it’s all their fault, and that the child is simply ill-behaved. That’s also what the customers of the store where Tom had his tantrum think. It’s not easy for parents to cope with social scrutiny and criticism…

But is it really their fault?

A child’s difficult behavior is very rarely the result of a single factor.

Things aren’t that simple… A child’s difficult behaviors are very rarely the result of a single factor! They can be seen as the tip of an iceberg. This visible part is like a barometer that informs us about the child’s mental health. Difficult behavior is often the sign of a deeper malaise. So we need to go beneath the surface and observe the invisible part of the iceberg.

It can reveal the reasons why the child is currently unable to adapt and regulate his behavior. These reasons are diverse…

A language delay can thus be a source of difficult behavior, because the child doesn’t understand instructions or can’t make his needs and desires clear to those around him. This leads to frustration and anger, which manifest themselves in behavior.

Difficulty in establishing secure ties with parents and close family and friends can also lead to behavioral problems, because the child constantly needs to show off, to take up a lot of space, so as not to be forgotten. Sometimes, being difficult is the only way for the child to attract attention.

Finally, brain maturation can also be responsible for problem behaviors. The frontal area of the brain, which is responsible for self-control, matures very slowly up to the age of 20, and at a variable rate depending on the individual. A slower rate of maturation can lead to difficulties in focusing attention and controlling impulsivity. The impulsiveness and restlessness that result from this immaturity lead children to disobey instructions, put themselves in danger, cause disasters, etc.

There is no magic formula that works with all difficult children.

The diversity of the origins of “difficult behavior” combined with the singularities of each child and each parent means that there is no magic recipe that will work with all difficult children. What’s helpful with one will be problematic with another.

Care of a difficult child must be calibrated according to the origin (most often multiple) of the difficult behavior, and the particularities of the child, the parent and their relationship.